Once Upon A Time

When I very first began to get my ducks in a row, i was 36 years old (or 37) I had been off hard drugs and booze for about two years (still puffed reefer sometimes), but I was on my way UP.
I met a man named Larry. Larry was an old school leather carver, not confused with hobby tooling. Larry made saddles, the like of which I had never seen. I was a horsewoman, and a bit of a leather fanatic, so naturally, I fell in love.
Larry and I fit very well together and lived as well as we could together for years. We did custom leather accessories for Harleys, I designed, he carved, and we were very proud of our work. I had bought my first salon, and was working my butt off, and Larry was getting certified as a Harley mechanic. We bought a starter house and moved in.
In A.A. circles, Larry was what is known as "an adult child of alcoholic parents". Meaning he was emotionally frozen. We were happy enough, I guess, but he seemed unhappy most of the time, when it came to emotional stuff, and especially the "commitment" theory. We were going nowhere, that did NOT suit my type A personality (which I hope I am in recovery for).
after six years we hit a wall, and I made him leave. It was not happy. Then we tried to re-connect by going to some Christian counseling. I thought we might get somewhere, and he was getting a little independent, I liked that.
The entire thing ended with another woman laying claim to MY man. I fought, and fought hard, but he sat the fence (as was his style) I got mad, I got tired, and I let her take him.
fast forward..... They are married, he has told me many times over the years,he wishes he had stayed with me....... whatever.
I have never reconnected with anyone, I am still alone. I am not UNHAPPY, but there are times I still wish I hadn't given up on him. I believe he was the one, I do.
I am posting this because I had a dream about Larry the other night, which ended in me scrapping with her for Larry.
I called him today because the dream will not leave me be, he is still in my head. I told him I wish I hadn't let her win, and if I had it to do over (which we all know I don't) I would have kicked her butt to pieces.
I should have fought for my man, even though that stuff is petty and catty, and women can be vile in those situations. Lary did marry her, he had to be forced into it, and I could never have done that to him.
I guess I have some Christmas blues. I really did love him. I was secure, happy, and we had a good time for the most part.
this was all fifteen years ago that I let her have him. I still wish I hadn't; so I guess there is ONE thing that I can say I regret doing in my life
Larry and Joanne, Renaissance Faire 1990