I have on too numerous occasions , made the claim or accepted the title of "grown adult" meaning mature, or evolved, or centered, or what ever the hell a person might conceive of as a human who can live comfortably in their own skin. Maybe I have spoken too soon or too often.
Because again, I am sitting here wondering how someone who was so focused and content living in my own little world, has yet again ventured (willingly) into the shark infested waters of.........(Dare I say)......... DATING, and proved myself to be totally incapable of maintaining perspective.
My one or two readers who have been seeing my NON-blog condition are aware of the (last post) "lovely naked man" in my bed. Well it would seem that these two lonely souls have managed to re-conjure every insecurity and negative reaction ever felt in their long and UNfruitfull romantic lives.
Our glee in each other soon turned to an addiction which cooled quickly in the light of the dreaded "expectations" (his part) and my "efforts" to help him resolve all his problems (yess, it is co-dependancy, I read the freakin book!)
So our lust turned into paranoia and visions of failed lovers past invaded every thought and sparked some primal fear in us both.
Soon, these two "GROWN ADULTS" ( capable and competent ((?)) on their own were whining and ,demanding, and needing space, and living in fear of the point at which your heart is fully vested and the damn thing goes down the toilet anyway. So ? What is the best alternative???? you're damn skippy! Throw the baby out with the bathwater (Bee knows what that means)
Lets just do our level best to sabotage this deal and not realize why or how we are doing it. Lets just beat it to death now instead of waiting for it to die!
YEAH...., Better safe (think so?) than sorry (I already am)
Let's try this, I'll get whiny and demanding when you begin to see the strength I have (had?) as "wearing the pants" and I will see your backing down as a way of sabotaging "US" so you don't have to carry your weight. Now lets tell each other how disappointed we are and in the next breath still maintain that we love each other. How 'bout I beg you to try and reach some peace, and not run away, yeah, desperation always sounds good on a "mature" woman. I'm sure he finds that very charming.
The weirdest thing about the sexual politic, is that I have seen the woman who clearly could care less and will walk slap away from her man, do so, and see him go willy-nilly after her. I always thought that to be a pretty good stunt, especially because I just cannot do it! Baby, If I love ya, ya just better get used to it! hahaha
Do I sound Bitter??? told you, I am turning into a high school girl at 55. I do not "do" rejection very well (ya think??)
crap, I guess the shit has hit the fan, and if I don't stand back it's gonna land on me. People have asked me before, "when are you gonna learn???" I always tell 'em "Never, I hope". Ya know I was on the shelf ( no sex) for over three years ( but who's counting?) , I had a brief flirtation during that time, and it would appear that this lovely whistful desire for true love & romance of mine is doomed to the same fate that the other attempt at love and all things tingley met. It's not like I dont realize where I go down in flames, I DO, I just can't stop myself!
I just can't keep from jumping in the deep end! especially when there is my male counterpart idiot right there beside me yelling "JUMP! JUMP!" But that end of the pool is deep, and real cold at the bottom, of course you go in WAAAAAAAY over your head, 'least I do, dammit.
All that venting aside.... I feel the need to be part of a pair. God created us for that. I also feel that I have been alone too long and have lost some of the qualities that make women "different " to men, make them want to nurture and protect us. I am strong willed, and heard-headed, but I want to be loved like all people do. I wish I had the capacity to control myself, my emotions, my intensity, my fear.
I believe we are two people who had loved and lost on so numerous occasions, who had forgotten how much work we make love out to be, and. longing for our "ideal" of romance had attempted to reconnect, only to remind ourselves how truely weird we are.
Because again, I am sitting here wondering how someone who was so focused and content living in my own little world, has yet again ventured (willingly) into the shark infested waters of.........(Dare I say)......... DATING, and proved myself to be totally incapable of maintaining perspective.
My one or two readers who have been seeing my NON-blog condition are aware of the (last post) "lovely naked man" in my bed. Well it would seem that these two lonely souls have managed to re-conjure every insecurity and negative reaction ever felt in their long and UNfruitfull romantic lives.
Our glee in each other soon turned to an addiction which cooled quickly in the light of the dreaded "expectations" (his part) and my "efforts" to help him resolve all his problems (yess, it is co-dependancy, I read the freakin book!)
So our lust turned into paranoia and visions of failed lovers past invaded every thought and sparked some primal fear in us both.
Soon, these two "GROWN ADULTS" ( capable and competent ((?)) on their own were whining and ,demanding, and needing space, and living in fear of the point at which your heart is fully vested and the damn thing goes down the toilet anyway. So ? What is the best alternative???? you're damn skippy! Throw the baby out with the bathwater (Bee knows what that means)
Lets just do our level best to sabotage this deal and not realize why or how we are doing it. Lets just beat it to death now instead of waiting for it to die!
YEAH...., Better safe (think so?) than sorry (I already am)
Let's try this, I'll get whiny and demanding when you begin to see the strength I have (had?) as "wearing the pants" and I will see your backing down as a way of sabotaging "US" so you don't have to carry your weight. Now lets tell each other how disappointed we are and in the next breath still maintain that we love each other. How 'bout I beg you to try and reach some peace, and not run away, yeah, desperation always sounds good on a "mature" woman. I'm sure he finds that very charming.
The weirdest thing about the sexual politic, is that I have seen the woman who clearly could care less and will walk slap away from her man, do so, and see him go willy-nilly after her. I always thought that to be a pretty good stunt, especially because I just cannot do it! Baby, If I love ya, ya just better get used to it! hahaha
Do I sound Bitter??? told you, I am turning into a high school girl at 55. I do not "do" rejection very well (ya think??)
crap, I guess the shit has hit the fan, and if I don't stand back it's gonna land on me. People have asked me before, "when are you gonna learn???" I always tell 'em "Never, I hope". Ya know I was on the shelf ( no sex) for over three years ( but who's counting?) , I had a brief flirtation during that time, and it would appear that this lovely whistful desire for true love & romance of mine is doomed to the same fate that the other attempt at love and all things tingley met. It's not like I dont realize where I go down in flames, I DO, I just can't stop myself!
I just can't keep from jumping in the deep end! especially when there is my male counterpart idiot right there beside me yelling "JUMP! JUMP!" But that end of the pool is deep, and real cold at the bottom, of course you go in WAAAAAAAY over your head, 'least I do, dammit.
All that venting aside.... I feel the need to be part of a pair. God created us for that. I also feel that I have been alone too long and have lost some of the qualities that make women "different " to men, make them want to nurture and protect us. I am strong willed, and heard-headed, but I want to be loved like all people do. I wish I had the capacity to control myself, my emotions, my intensity, my fear.
I believe we are two people who had loved and lost on so numerous occasions, who had forgotten how much work we make love out to be, and. longing for our "ideal" of romance had attempted to reconnect, only to remind ourselves how truely weird we are.
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